Dear Guru,

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for three years, however I’m not over my ex.  I haven’t been over her since before I started dating my girlfriend.  Honestly, if my ex gave me another chance, I would get back with her without a doubt.  The reason I am not with my ex now is because I cheated on her.  She found out and, of course, she broke up with me as a result.

My girlfriend is a good girl, and I don’t want to hurt her, but thinking there could still be a chance with my ex stops me from moving forward with my girlfriend.  I run into my ex every once in awhile, and when I see her, my heart skips a beat.  My ex knows I still want another chance with her.  I told her once before, but as you can tell, we’re still not together.

My girlfriend doesn’t know any of this and I feel like at this point if I tell her, she would probably break up with me.  I can’t say I blame her, but I don’t want to lose a good thing because I can’t get over my ex.

I guess my question is how do I get over my ex?

Sincerely,
It’s not her, it’s me

Dear It’s not her, it’s me,

You’re right, it is you.  If you were as good a boyfriend to the ex, as you are to the current girlfriend of 3 years, I’d just give it up.  She is over you, and considering your question, for good reason.  Wow, you have been dating someone as a filler for 3 years, 3 YEARS???!!!!!!  Have you lost your mind?　 　

You realize people change over the course of years don’t you?  Well, maybe you don’t, okay so let me lay it on you – PEOPLE CHANGE.  We can hope they change for the better as they mature, but as you have proven, not everyone does.  How do you look your girlfriend in the face every day knowing that the minute the “ghost of girlfriend past” starts rattling her chain out the window you are jumping through it.　 　

I feel like maybe I’ve missed something here so let me recap.  Once upon a time you were dating a girl who, despite your current proclamations of love for, you cheated on.  She, having some self-respect, kicked you to the curb.  So, as you sat licking your wounds saying, “Woe is me, life is so unfair” you met someone who spent time with you, shared her life with you, and is still by your side.  While this lovely person who you describe as “a good thing” is being your partner, you are whining about how you want someone else.  Someone, by the way, who has a REAL LIFE not a fantasy one.　

I know I could take the high road and say, love yourself, write her a note saying everything in your heart and then set it aflame releasing those words from your heart … lalala … but I won’t because as I type this response, there is a woman out there who has given her heart to you and trusts you and you have zero appreciation for her.　

At the end of the day though, honestly, if you have been feeling this way for three years, and still do not know how to shut it off, I think it’s time to seriously consider therapy.  Not because you’re crazy, but because losing a loved one this way is similar to losing someone in life, you sometimes need help to get through the mourning period and a real man knows that he needs to be whole before he can ever give himself to anyone else.

Sincerely,
The Guru

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