Dear Marjie,

Not too long ago, a friend of mine who happens to be in the military, was sent overseas. While he was on tour, our mutual friend took it upon himself to court his girlfriend. Not only did she accept, but she also ended up pregnant. What makes it worse is the fact that I’m the godfather of the mutual friend’s 10 year old daughter. Now my friend is back and when he found out, all hell broke loose. I felt like it put me in an awkward position because it was almost like I was chosen as the designated mediator, so to speak. I’m not the kind of person to condone that behavior, I have morals and values that would cause me to look down on that sort of thing. When I gave my opinion on the matter, the mutual friend felt like I was choosing sides and it resulted in the end of our friendship. Now when we cross paths it’s almost like we never knew each other. At first it bothered me but after a while, I decided that maybe it’s better that I found out what kind of guy he is now.  If he did it to my friend, he can surely do it to me.

Since our friendship is nonexistent, how should I address dealing with my goddaughter?

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Dear Victim of a Broken Relationship,

It’s unfortunate that you were dragged into the middle of this, and in turn, your goddaughter.  I do want to start this by saying, I applaud your moral position, and it is admirable that your biggest concern is your goddaughter.  There should be more men like you in this world – so bravo. 

I have to imagine at one time you and this mutual friend were close, considering you are his 10 year old daughter’s godfather.  I take it from doing the math that this friendship goes back a long way.  Something in the quality of that relationship must have been worth holding on to.  Is the friendship really so irreparably harmed that there is no turning back?  While it’s true that what he did was reprehensible, keep in mind that we are all guilty of transgressions in life, some serious, some small – but our ability to learn from them and feel regret can ultimately make us better people.  Is it possible for your mutual friend to become such a person?  Only you can answer that so I just posit the question.

But let’s be practical here – what about your relationship with your goddaughter?  As your mutual friend and you no longer communicate, and your mutual friend is apparently no longer with your goddaughter’s mother, can you reach out to her mother or grandparents?  Whether her mother or father have custody, her mother or grandparents would be able to connect directly with your goddaughter, and perhaps facilitate your staying in this young lady’s life.  A parent seldom rejects overtures of love and attention from people who truly have the child’s best interest at heart – so maybe either going directly to the mother or grandparents, or sending them an e-mail or letter, would explain your desire to continue giving what you began early in this child’s life – guidance and love.  It is worth the try.

As for your friend who was deployed overseas, that too is unfortunate and a very ugly side of the life of a soldier.  I have to assume that your friend no longer communicates with either the mutual friend or his ex-girlfriend; however, that doesn’t mean that you need to follow suit to be a faithful friend.  It’s important that your friend understands the position you are in is not only one of judging who was wrong and who was right.  It is the position of an individual person.  Although your godchild is not yours by birth, in your heart it would be as losing a child yourself and anyone who loves and respects you needs to understand this.  When a marriage breaks up because of infidelity, the parents are forced to be civil for the sake of the child.  Good parents, with their child’s best interest, will honor that bond of being civil.  Ask your friend, and your mutual friend, to understand that throughout all of this, you need them to be civil about one another for the sake of you – a victim of a broken relationship and bitter custody dispute – because that is what you are.     Keep in mind that when King Solomon had to decide the dispute between two women claiming to be the mother of the child, only one loved the child enough to stop the child from being cut in half.  Do one, or both, of your friends have that same love for you? 

Good luck staying in one piece.

Marjie

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*DISCLAIMER* The views expressed in this column are not necessarily those of I’m So Hollywood.