Dear Marjie,

I know that the holidays are meant to be spent with your family but I really don’t want to.  I feel terrible that I don’t want to be around family during the holidays but you don’t know these people.  Whenever I am with they spend the whole time tearing down any family member who didn’t make it to the gathering.  They are loud, nasty, rude and half of them are either drunk or high most of the time.  There is usually at least one fight, but often two or three break out by the time the evening is over. 

What makes it worse is that I go all year trying to avoid these people anyway.  They rarely talk to me, and when I do get a call from them it’s usually because they need something from me.  As one of the youngest in the family I seldom get the respect that I not only deserve, but have earned.  My opinions never seem to matter, they’ll talk to each other as if I am not even standing there, and honestly, we never had a positive history or any loving moments that would make all this crap worthwhile. 

My question is, do I go to the family gathering because it’s the holiday and I keep hearing how we’re supposed to spend it with family, or do I take the pleasant alternative and be with my friends, even though I know that it’s wrong to do.

Please help, Christmas is this weekend.

Sincerely, All Familied Out

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Dear All Familied Out,

I’m sorry to tell you this, but you MUST spend your holiday with your family.

The phrase, “You can’t pick your family” is a complete and utter lie. 

I think the problem here is you are caught up in a trap with that word “family.”  The people who will be gathering together to wreak havoc, the people who on the best of days treat your poorly, are NOT your family – these are your RELATIONS.  There is a significant difference between the two.

When  you find yourself hurt, suffering from something that breaks  your heart – who do you turn to?  Family.  When you experience great joy and cannot wait to share the news the person you phone is?  Family.  The people you spend time with, the ones to give you peace and whose presence is enjoyable are?  Family.  Your family consists of those people who want to be part of your life, and whose life you want to be part of – not because of blood but because of love. 

Relations are those people who through so biological connection are part of your life.  Some relations are also family – but some relations are nothing more than relations – not family.

There comes a point in your life where you have to start to “pick your family”.  You choose your family based on nothing more than the love and respect you have for one another.  In choosing your family you take control of your life,  your world and your future.  Being family is an honor that is earned through actions not a right.  Just because your mother’s sister decided to have sex with Uncle Fred, and the two of them had Cousin Daisy the biggest fake ass bitch on Earth, does not condemn you to having Daisy in your inner circle, or even  your life should you choose.  Might condemn your Aunt and Uncle, but that’s their problem – not  yours.  But if your friend Vivian is there for you any time of the day or night, brought over ice cream and cheesecake when that douche bag cheated on you, knows what size shoe you wear and how much you hate Chinese food – yo, Viv’s your family.  See?

So rather than letting your relations make you feel obliged, or unimportant, or taken advantage of recognize them for what they are.  They are the condom that broke, the pill not taken, the drunken night someone doesn’t remember or whatever else brought them into your life – because if they truly make you feel the way you do, that’s it – that’s all they are – relations.

I say, Enjoy Christmas and New Year’s with your REAL FAMILY and stop believing the hype.

Happy Holidays.

Marjie

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