Dear Marjie –

I have a friend (“C”) who has been dating someone for quite some time now.  She is a sweet girl, lives alone and is working towards her second Master’s Degree.  The guy C’s been seeing graduated from college, owns a home, is a teacher and is in tremendously great shape.  We all went to undergrad together…so they know about each other’s past….good and bad.  C is around a size 16 and the guy is a personal trainer on the side so his body is almost perfect – combine that with his intelligence and looks – a great catch.   In the beginning, they were just friends – strictly friends.  Another friend of ours, who I will call “J”, has been married for years and has 3 children.  J had a crush on the guy, but we all knew it wasn’t going anywhere because she is married.  The guy took interest in her as well but respected her marriage.  If anything, they’d talk on the side whenever we were all hanging out but nothing more.  After a few months of friendship – C became more than friends with the guy but not exclusive.  As time went on C started to “catch feelings” for him.  One day, she looks through his phone and finds out he is seeing other women – it really upsets her.  He doesn’t deny anything but they continue seeing each other.  The entire time, C does not share this with J, but we are all still good friends, hanging out and everything.  Another friend has a fight party at her house, we all attend – including the guy – and J notices C and the guy are verrrry close.  A week passes,  J confronts C and is pretty upset that she didn’t share it with her as a friend.  C purposely kept it from her (I know this for a fact) – they agree to let it go but the friendship is different.  Move along 2 months, we all get together for a birthday celebration at a club with ALL of our friends from college (including the guys ex).  The guy shows up later and is pretty much ignoring C.  C gets very upset then decides to leave.  He sends her a text “it’s your weight”…on top of that, he then sits down at the club with J telling her how he can never be with C because of her weight and J agrees with him (J is size 6).  C spends the weekend crying and says she will never talk to the guy again and is really upset with J for not doing more than just listening.  She also finds out that J and the guy have talked on the phone about her weight many times and she’s known it’s been an issue.  Fast forward to today, a month later, the guy has made his way back into C’s life.  She says she’s “going with the flow”….the guy told my boyfriend “I’m a ho and I’m always gonna be a ho”….and I told this to C.  As much as I want to stay out of it, I don’t want to see her make a fool of herself which she has done with men in the past.  She has what I think is a low self-esteem but she claims she is totally okay with her weight.  What should I do…if anything?

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Dear Friend in the Middle,

I’d like to start off by saying that “J” being “only friends” with this guy is bullshit. I don’t know if her averse reaction to finding out that “C” and this guy were together was that of a woman scorned, or a catalyst for moving their “friendship” forward, but in either case it was what a gambler would call “a tell”. From that day forward “J” was no longer ‘C’s” friend. I truly hope that “C” knows this because “J’s” new role in “C’s” world is that of shit talker.

That being said, it does sound like “C” may be suffering from low self esteem, and although her weight may play a part in this scenario, it is not the only issue that “C” must overcome. Typically, if someone is not thin it is assumed that the weight is the cause of their self esteem issue, but that’s not always the case – hey, some people like their filet mignon a little on the thick side.  Think about this because I can’t help but wonder, why the second Master’s Degree? Is this really motivated purely by occupational need or does it belie a deeper lack of self worth? Also, “C” is facing a lifestyle that leaves little time for discovering and nurturing a new relationship. Sometimes we become complacent with the devil you know. Whatever the underlying issues are, the “great catch” has apparently discovered “C’s” weaknesses and like any good predator, has come in for the kill.

Given that, as a large group of friends, there is a certain degree of forced socialization that will continue to take place, boundaries need to be established. “J” may be part of the pack, but there is nothing that says that all members in the pack hold equal standing. If you are to have any chance of demonstrating to “C” her real value, you must hold a mirror up to “C” which, in the case of her relationship with “J” may neccessitate your treating “J” with the same disregard that she is obviously showing your friend.

The problem with the “catch” is that “C” will not throw him back until she is good and ready. Debating his qualities, or lack thereof, may only force “C” to defend him, or worse yet, feel she has to hide her relationship with him from you.  Rather than trying to tear down his hold on her, you might help her to build up a wall that would keep him out. If self esteem or lack of opportunity lies at the heart of this issue, take “C” out into the world where she can be among people who will see, as you do, what an amazing person she is. One often misses the reflection in the mirror but seldom misses the reflection in other people’s eyes.

Good luck and, whatever way it turns out, just know “C” is lucky to have a friend like yourself.

Marjie