Happy New Year!

Hopefully you entered the New Year on the right foot

We are back, and we, of course, started off with a Ask Marjie letter.  Let’s read on…

Dear Marjie,

I was in a relationship for about 7 years and I had some problems with my ex.  I would try to communicate with her to let her know the problems I was having with our relationship.  Usually it would be the same things over and over again.  She would “okay” me and tell me know she would work on it but the problems were still there.  I decided recently to move on because she doesn’t seem to respect how some of the things made feel.

Now a few months later, she is trying to do everything right, but I just don’t care.  My problem is since communication was a problem before, how do I communicate to her that I have no interest in being in a relationship with her anymore?

Best regards,

Completely over it.

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Dear Completely over it,

After being in a relationship for 7 years, and only being separated for a few months, I’m surprised that you can feel so nonchalant about her attempt to try to reconcile and willingness to work it out.  At least that what comes through in your letter, but that’s okay though because when it’s gone, it’s gone – no sense in trying to sugar coat it.  But, before you close that door, allow me to play devil’s advocate about whether being over it is the right choice.

When a person establishes a relationship, and remains in it for a significant amount of time, they often fall into a pattern, a kind of skill set for dealing with the relationship.  This “relationship retardation” doesn’t necessarily carry over into the rest of the person’s social life and as they mature in their family relationships, in their friendships, in their business relationships – the “relationship” relationship’s dynamic matures much more slowly.  Think of those guys you may still be tight with since high school, now think of those friends that you have made as the more mature person that you currently are, do those two subsets of relationship really operate on the same maturity level?  Some people refer to that point where you have matured more than your long term relationship as the seven year itch.  Ironic in this case huh?  With that being said, a little distance and perspective may have opened your girlfriend’s eyes to what you were trying to convey all along.  Or, alternatively, she just knows that what she had was more important than she realized, and what is out there pales in comparison to what she’s lost.  Hard to say without knowing where she’s coming from. 

So, giving that a few minutes to stew, if you feel – “Yeah, well I’m over it” than keep reading.

My thought though is that the very casual approach you have to being “over it” says a lot about where you may be coming from now.  Could it be that, unlike your girlfriend, you see what is out there is a lot more interesting or glamorous, or that you just don’t believe her any more?  Another possibility, and really only you could know this but you really should ask yourself this question, is that you did not really want to repair the relationship all along and used her lack of communication as an excuse to make an exit.  7 years (and some months ago) you were really into each other, but sometimes, over time, that attraction and excitement fades away … when it does, it can be easier to stay physically in a situation that is a comfort zone, but subconsciously, you will push that person away from you?  Might you have, somewhere deep inside, have wanted to do that all along?  The reason it’s important to ask yourself that is because for you to enter into a healthy relationship going forward, you need to recognize what went wrong the first time – blaming her lack of communication may be easy but when we scapegoat inflection we learn nothing.  Just thinking out loud here.

For now, I would be honest with her and tell her that over the past few months you have been looking at what you want for your life, and realized that being in a relationship, especially one with as much baggage as this one would come with, is not for you.  There is nothing wrong with changing.  Just be sure that closing the door for good is what you really and truly want.

Good luck,

Marjie

If you have a question you would like posted here, please feel free to e-mail AskMarjie@imsohollywood.com or on her Facebook Fan Page.